Thoughts

Mental heath is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and through that I’ve been examining my own thoughts and feelings. It’s dawned on me, quite forcefully, that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way. In recent years, I’ve let negative thoughts seep in, which has brought loneliness, anxiety and lessening self-worth. I can’t really put my finger on when it happened as a lot of things are going well in my life, but it’s become more and more noticeable over the last few months. I back away from social situations, I long for interaction, yet I feel shy and as if I’m annoying people when I do reach out, whether it be through social media or otherwise. I’ve put on some weight and maybe don’t take enough care of myself as I used to. My diet is all over the place. But these things are all fixable, all with some attentiveness, motivation and action. I often have hang ups on the way other people perceive me, whether it’s through my tweets, how I look or the opinions I have. But none of that matters, though it’s hard for me to realise this. It shouldn’t matter what other people think from the outside looking in. All that matters is my relationship with myself, and that’s something I really need to focus on for the next while. I’d like to take a writing class, exercise more and eat better, educate myself and clean up my life from the mistakes I’ve made along the way. The feelings of loneliness come and go, mostly stemming from the fact that I’m unsure of how to really be a social person. I believe I’m a nice person and have a lot to offer, but maybe aren’t representing that well enough. I’d love to get to know people better, do more and build myself a nice social circle. It’s pethaps because I’m quite a needy and sensitive person who, like anyone, likes a certain amount of validation. And I haven’t really seen much of that lately. But then maybe that’s my fault for simply expecting it. Or looking in the wrong places. I always try on Twitter to engage with people but never really feel as though I’m doing it the right way. I’m still not sure if any of this makes sense, but it feels better to write it all down. If you’re reading this, then thanks for taking the time. 

Mental Health Awareness Week

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week which, to some, may feel like an excuse for Twitter to adopt yet another hashtag. But, for me, and may other people around the world, it’s time a time to reflect, to share experiences and stories, and, more importantly, be understood and heard.

I’ve been a mental health sufferer for a number of years now, stemming from a yet undermined section of my life. The term is thrown around quite a lot in this day and age and has many different meanings. For me, it means anxiety, stress, loneliness and mild depression. 

These feelings come and go. Some days I feel fine, while others it’s as if suddenly everything is on top of me, like a fog has dropped that lingers, refusing to lift for hours, days, or even weeks. It’s not like I don’t have a support network around me, but often these bouts of low haziness cloud these things.

The anxiety is perhaps the worst. I live my life well, but always have niggling feelings at the back of my head, making me question certain attributes of myself, whether it’s my social skills, ability to handle myself at work or turn out decent copy when I’ve been asked to write a review.

It’s a strong barrier that often turns me against certain things, makes me doubt whether I should bother in the first place. Recently, my writing has suffered as a result of this. I haven’t, in fact, done much writing in a long while, though I crave it and I’m still constantly looking for new commissions and challenges.

I, too, have a lot of monsters in my closet, things I’ve done in my past that I’m far from proud of, relating to money problems and people I’ve hurt unintentionally. These come back to haunt me from time to time, and I’ll probably never be over them completely. 

It’s hard for me to accept these things as mistakes, however. The wonderful thing that is my mind will always find a way back to them, usually in the early hours of the morning when I can’t sleep. But that’s life. Everyone has monsters, but we can’t let them take control of us.

The other one that’s affecting me quite a lot lately is loneliness. Again, I don’t doubt that I have a solid support network around me of friends, loved ones and colleagues. But, apart from one or two people, I don’t feel particularly close to any of them. We talk online, at work, or elsewhere, but I feel withdrawn still.

I’m someone who loves attention, which makes these feelings seem worse. The likes of social media doesn’t make it worse. Seeing, for example, people having a Eurovision party while I’m at home watching by myself with a drink, accentuates these feelings of solitude.

I use Twitter and other tools to stay connected, to promote the writing work I do and to keep up to date with the world. But at times I wish I wasn’t as attached to them, could walk away and not care to come back. But anytime I do, I crave the return, to feel that connection even if it’s actually setting me back further.

It’s a hard nut to crack making friends when you’re a year away from 30. It’s always been a struggle of mine, but somehow feels worse now. To find the middle ground between trying too hard and not trying too much is a minefield that presents me with one of the worst headaches ever.

With all that said, the thing about mental heath is that, however bad it may feel at the time, there’s always hope. And talking, or in fact writing about it, somehow acts as a relief. It’s not the easiest thing to do, I’ll be the first to admit that, but it does help.

So, in light of Mental Health Awareness Week, I write this post and also link to something else I wrote last year around the same time (http://jamieneish.blogspot.com/2017/10/mental-health.html). Things haven’t changed much in that year in regards to my mental health, but perhaps the way I cope with these low bouts has changed in that they don’t feel as suffocating.

Mental Health

It was World Mental Health Day the other week, which I marked with a quick note that referenced my own dealings with anxiety and depression, while also urging those who read and felt the same to speak up, in whatever way they felt comfortable with.

Since then, I’ve been pondering my experiences more and, taking into consideration that I’m quickly approaching the mean old age of 30, it hit me quite hard how difficulty I’m finding things at the moment, which is surprising considering how much more settled I feel in life these days. 

I’m working for a company that I like, doing a job that challenges me and makes me feel motivated. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’m currently living with, even though I keep telling him - and myself - that I’m still looking for my own place when both of us know that I’m really, really not.

But there’s still feelings deep down that I can’t shake. And occasionally those feelings rise to the surface like they have been over the past few weeks, particularly an increasing dislike to the way I look (my body especially), how lazy I’ve become and how I’m still bothered by loneliness, even though I don’t actually mind my own company. 

The last one has been around for a while now. I’ve never been all that good at making friends, I know that for a fact. Even when I was young and forced to live with another 50-odd people, I felt like the odd one out, uncomfortable, awkward and not all that comfortable. It never bothered me much back then, at least now at the time.

But now as I’m getting older, I’m realising how difficult it is to make friends in later years, and how much more aware I am that I don’t have many people to meet up with for a drink, or even to text to ask how they’re doing (or who text me for that matter). Social media is all well and good, but a vast majority of people I follow I’ve never met, and I doubt to some degree I ever will. 

I’m quite bad when it comes to avoiding situations I feel could be awkward, like I’ll skirt around a group of people huddled together chatting because I don’t deal well with large group situations and I’d prefer not to even bother. And I put people off quite often in favour of being in my own company, which only fuels my feeling of loneliness, wishing I’d made different - perhaps even better - decisions.

So I can be better - a lot better. It’s just hard for me to push myself out of that comfort zone, though the new job has helped to up my confidence and force me to interact with new people, and in the process develop a nice little group of friends who I feel comfortable to stop and chat with or stay for a drink after work on a Friday afternoon and who seem to like my company.

The other issues in regards to my weight and body are personal ones that derive from bad eating and laziness. I need to stop eating bad foods. I need to start going to the gym, swimming and find exercises that I enjoy to do and don’t feel so much like a chore, something to put off week after week because “it’s not fun”.

I was trying on clothes recently as my wardrobe is in desperate need of an overhaul and I got sad when I realised that I’m not as skinny as I used to be and I can’t take as many liberties with my body as I could for many years. I need to look after myself more, make more of an effort and really focus on where I want to be in one week, one month and one year’s time.

It’s perhaps most worrying to me that I’ve let my writing slip to one side. I’ve spent so many years trying to become a freelance film writer that I think I became disillusioned by the fact I hadn’t reached the place I wanted to. I’m probably too harsh on myself. I have achieved amazing things since I started out writing about film. But I can’t help but want more.

I think, though, that I needed the time out. I needed to take my working life more seriously. The film writing wasn’t where I wanted it to be, so instead I threw myself into my job at Trainline, I moved out of my parents house and started to live more independently. It’s maybe made me a better writer, maybe I’ll see. I still want to do it, I just don’t know the best direction to take yet. 

So, yes, I’m not entirely happy with myself at the moment. But that’s okay. I know where I need to improve and I’m going to make every effort to make that happen. I hope this helps to motivate me. And if it helps anyone else along the way as well, then that’s amazing. I’ll maybe come back to you all in a few months time and let you know how I’m getting on.

Coming Out: My Story

For me, coming out was a big deal, and possibly the biggest hurdle I’ve had to overcome in my whole life, and I’ve had to overcome some pretty big hurdles. Sure, I’d known I was gay since the tender age of thirteen, and had spent the best part of five years growing up at a boarding school away from my parents learning to be independent and growing more and more confident in my own skin, but I’d never thought about telling anyone, certainly not my parents.

It wasn’t until late 2010 - November, to be annoyingly precise - that I felt it was time to be honest with myself about my sexuality and come clean to my mum and dad. On a spur-of-the-moment night out at the local pub with my dad, and after one or two long vodka’s, I plucked up the courage to tell my dad in my own awkward, vague way. His reaction, much to my surprise, was far more sympathetic than I could have ever anticipated. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. For whatever reason, my dad decided to take it upon himself and tell my mum before me. So, after spending a day in Glasgow (I cannot for the life of me remember what I was doing there), I returned home to a very frosty reception and the realisation that my mum had, through no fault of my own, had had an entirely different reaction to the news that she had a gay son.

It was, on reflection, perhaps the trickiest night of my life. I had absolutely no idea what to do or what to say to make things easier for my mum. Her questions, unlike my dads, felt more like probes and daggers to my already fragile and uneasy heart than anything else. It was then, at eleven o’clock on a cold winter’s night, that I realised that the journey I had somehow assumed would be relatively easy, would in fact be a lot more complicated and tiring on me and those close to me.

Since then, things have become easier, a lot easier. In some ways, I don’t think my mum will ever fully accept what she discovered that night. But, in full credit to her and my dad, they’ve both been able to overcome their individual attitudes and opinions on homosexuality to a point where they treat me as they’ve always treated me, and have even begun to voluntarily open discussions about the subject. The rest of the family - my brother included - took the news much better, which helped in a massive way to convince me that there was nothing wrong about who I was or the people that I liked.

Of course, my experience with coming out is exactly that, my experience. The same thing is unlikely to happen to another person, but that’s not to say your experience will necessarily be a bad one. For those of you who are yet to come out, there’s unfortunately no way to tell what your experience will be like, but as long as you are prepared and confident, both in yourself and in your sexuality, then you’ll be able to deal with whatever repercussions your honesty brings about. 

If you feel like you need more time to process your new feelings, then that’s fine, of course it is. There’s no rulebook about coming out, nothing to say you have to do it at a specific time or in a specific way. But if there’s one thing that I learned from my experience over everything else, it’s that people’s reactions differ, and those reactions may come as a surprise to you, even if you’ve known that person all your life. But try not to take those reactions to heart, as more often than not they’ll adapt with time. 

And if they don’t. Well, that’s for them to worry about, not you. Your happiness is much more more important than the happiness of those around you, and that’s something worth remembering regardless of your sexuality of background. It’s never easy to have someone reject you, but there’s ways to cope and there’s always people out there to help you, support you and guide you in all manner of ways. Coming out and what happens directly after isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning.

An Honest Truth

When I compare my current self to that of three, maybe four years ago, I’m shocked at how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. Not only has my personality and attitude towards certain aspects of my life improved for the better, but I’ve also achieved more than I could ever have anticipated.

I’m employed, attend university, find myself in a trustworthy relationship and am surrounded by a family who truly care about me and want the best for my future. That’s not it, though, as I’m also lucky enough to be able to put my love of film to the test, by running and contributing to a number of online blogs dedicated to discussing and analysing the latest film releases.

To say I’m content with what I’ve achieved and the stable position I find myself in today would be an understatement. But, while I try to be very careful as to not take anything for granted, I can’t help but find myself unhappy with one or two aspects of my life.

I’ve never been a popular person, never had a vast and constant social life, it’s just not in my personality to attract people. I struggle in almost every social situations imaginable, only able to show my true self around a number of people with whom I’ve been friends with for several years and who know what to expect from me.

I’d love to be one of those people who doesn’t feel embarrassed or silly when they speak to new people, and doesn’t have to come up with ridiculous and uncomfortable conversations in order to feel as though they fit in. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say I’d like more without really trying, but I do try, and that’s why I feel as though I deserve an easier ride when it comes to making and maintaining a decent social life.

I have to say, Twitter has done wonders for me. For someone who finds it difficult to be themselves in real life and often reads into situations more than is necessary, social networking sites have enabled me to be myself and really make waves in other ways.

Not only have I used my knowledge of the online world to position myself well in the blogging world (at least I like to think I’m positioned well), but I’ve also been able to meet people, form friendships, publicise my work to other film hungry individuals, and push myself to contact PR companies, cinemas and film studios about press screenings, DVD screeners and set visits. To my benefit, this has resulted in me conducting a number of interviews and attending the odd film festival and premiere. 

Sometimes you hear people say that spending too much time online is bad for you and you should try and spend more time in the real world, but for people like me, who maybe struggle to be themselves in a world full of boisterous and accomplished people, the online world can be very helpful and beneficial in helping them reach their goals.

In saying that, I do think it’s important to lead a life away from what you’re connected to online. As much as I love interacting with other people on Twitter and writing posts for my blog, if I didn’t have my work or the limited, yet wonderful friends I do have, I wouldn’t be nearly as happy as I am. In order to write, about anything in this case, you need to have experienced life, so you’re not just limiting yourself to what you can achieve by being sat in front of a computer screen for most of the day - something I’ve learned.

It’s not only the social side of things that wears me down, it’s also the fact that, at times, I can feel quite out of my depth. I may be a cinephile who’s been obsessed with the medium ever since I was a little kid and have studied film intermittently for the past six years or more, but when surrounded by other film enthusiasts on Twitter, I feel somewhat inadequate.

The feeling isn’t necessarily because I feel my opinion is invalid or my writing is insufficient in comparison to others’, because I’ve spent two year’s slowly believing in myself more and more to reach, aside from the odd bad day, the content stage I’m at now. It’s, however, more to do with the fact that I often feel overpowered by others, like I’m not able to put my opinion across with the necessary coercion or substantiality to prove my knowledge to other people.

I would much rather build my stature up slowly and carefully than put myself out there in a big way and not know how to follow that up. The approach I’ve taken over the past two years suits my personality down to the ground and, even though I’m sometimes tempted, I’m managed to resist rising above my reach.

I’m not going to sit here and lie, I often find things very hard indeed. But, when I think about how far I’ve come, what I’ve achieved and how much support I have from other people, it makes the struggle worth it. I know that things aren’t going to be difficult forever, and sometimes I can go for days without feeling disheartened. I just need to remain focused, in as good a company as possible and working hard to achieve my goal of being involved in film, whether it be through writing or production in a professional capacity, I’ll be fine.

Something A Little More Personal

It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal blog post - one that doesn’t centre on the next cinema release or what happened over the weekend at the US box office. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to - I have, more than anything. But I often find it very difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible words and sentences.

It’s been a busy time in my life. Not only have I developed into a reasonably talented film writer, set up my own moderately successful website and been lucky enough to attend film festivals, premieres and interview talented filmmakers, actors and writers, but I’ve also found employment (though not exactly what I thought I’d be doing with my life). Swell, huh?

Well, yes, it is. I am, more or less, very happy with how things have come together and the trajectory to which my life seems to be heading. It’s not all fun and games, though. Writing is an incredibly lonely and difficult task - one that requires a lot of time and attention, which usually means I don’t do a lot else. This, in turn, has had a knock on effect on my social life, amongst other things.

Now, I’ve never been the most sociable of people. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with social situations and to not completely throw myself into a friendship without a thought of what I might be coming across like. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve built up some quite nice friendships over the past few years, and have met some lovely people over the time I’ve been on Twitter, but I can’t help but want more. I’d love a solid support system, people who I could call on whenever I should need to. That said, it’s never something I’ve had as a person, so it’s not something I can say I crave, only something I wish could somehow fall into place.

The other problem that’s proving limiting is my living arrangements. I live in Dundee, Scotland, which is a nice city, but sadly doesn’t have that much going for it. Now, I’m sure if I had more of a social life, then I might feel differently, but as I throw myself more and more into my writing, all I want is for more opportunities to prove myself and to challenge myself, both as a writer and as a person. It’s money, though, that’s holding me back. As I have to travel through to Edinburgh almost each day, and my wage isn’t wallet-busting, I simply can’t afford to pack up and move to another city on a permanent basis. The comforts of home, with the food, the Sky television and quaintness, are too familiar to escape just yet.

To me, whether it is or not, London seems like the hub for my interests. Almost everyday I receive emails from PR companies, etc. inviting me to press screenings, swanky soiree’s that unfortunately I cannot attend. It’s a little bit soul-destroying, if I’m honest. While other people my age are open to all these opportunities simply because they live in the right city, I’m stuck six hundred miles away. I’m not the jealous type, usually, and Scotland does have some positives (the occasional press screening, two decent film festivals, one of which I’m covering at the moment, and some lovely independent cinemas), but London is a dream come true - one I hope to achieve in the next few years.

I’m not trying to make out like I’d have more success if I moved to London - I’d probably be in the same position as I am. The main difference, though, is I’d have access to these opportunities, and more of a chance to network, meet people and climb further and further up the career ladder. It’s all ifs and buts, though, and there’s every chance that over the next year or so I’ll change my mind and want to try something new. But, certainly for the time being, film is my passion, and I’d like to do everything I can to reach my, sometimes over-the-top and unachievable, goals.

I don’t want anyone reading that to think I’m ungrateful for what I’ve achieved so far - I am. I’ve been a writer for almost two years now, and to think of all the things I’ve achieved in that time is overwhelming. When I started I was very narrow-minded and quite selfish. As I’ve done more and more, and met many fantastic people who are also trying to achieve something within the film industry, my viewpoint has altered, and I’m now able to step back more, look at my successes and be proud, which is something I’ve never really been able to do. I’ve always wanted more.

My successes aren’t all down to me, though. There’s been several pivotal people who’ve helped me and, to this day, continue to support me. I’d like to say thank you to every single one of you, especially my family, my friends, those at HeyUGuys, Cine-Vue and DCA and the people I can call friends. From here, though, it’s all down to me. I need to be the one to save money, I need to be the one who makes the next move, and I need to be the one who starts to make the most of life more in order to build up more of a social life.

I’ve been very lucky so far, and I’d love for this to continue. But the only way for that to happen is for me to keep pushing myself and not spend so much time fretting over the mistakes I may have made in the past. The past is in the past, all I can do is learn from my mistakes, my rejections and my own self-confidence issues to better my future.

University

This morning I got an essay back from last semester with a mark that was less than stellar. A pass, but below my target.

I have, on reflection, realised that last semester was a haze. I didn't pay much attention, missed a few lectures and didn't take my essays, or exams for that matter, as seriously as I should've.

So, this semester, with more of my modules film-centric, I plan on working hard, attending as many of my classes as physically possible and working hard towards any essays or exams I may have.

As soon as Amazon decide to deliver my books, I will do as much preparation as I can before classes start on Monday.

In addition, I plan on improving my social life. So far I've not really made much of an impact, or made many friends. I've been a kind of outcast.

This year I plan on pushing myself to talk to more people, accepting opportunities when they arrise, and generally being a more positive, outgoing person towards fellow students.

After all, at 21, I should be revelling in a social life, rather than not having much of one at all.

In conclusion, I need to work harder and better my social existence. This all has an impact on the rest of my life, and I don't want to end up failing and destroying four years of my life, and the money and effort that came with it.

Brit Awards 2011: Nominations

British Male Solo Artist

Mark Ronson 

Paul Weller 

Plan B 

Robert Plant 

Tinie Tempah 

British Female Solo Artist

Cheryl Cole 

Ellie Goulding 

Laura Marling  

Paloma Faith 

Rumer  

British Breakthrough Act

Ellie Goulding 

Mumford & Sons 

Rumer 

Tinie Tempah 

The XX 

British Group

Biffy Clyro 

Gorillaz 

Mumford & Sons 

Take That 

The XX

British Single

Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long 

Cheryl Cole - Parachute 

Florence & The Machine - You’ve Got The Love 

Matt Cardle - When We Collide 

Olly Murs - Please Don’t Let Me Go 

Plan B - She Said 

Scouting For Girls - This Ain’t A Love Song 

Taio Cruz - Dynamite

Tinie Tempah - Pass Out 

The Wanted - All Time Low

MasterCard British Album of the Year

Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More 

Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks 

Take That - Progress 

Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy 

The XX - XX 

International Male Solo Artist

Bruce Springsteen 

Cee Lo Green

David Guetta

Eminem 

Kanye West 

International Female Solo Artist

Alicia Keys  

Katy Perry 

Kylie Minogue 

Rihanna 

Robyn 

International Breakthrough Act

Bruno Mars 

Glee Cast 

Justin Bieber 

The National  

The Temper Trap 

International Group

Arcade Fire 

Black Eyed Peas 

Kings of Leon 

The Script 

Vampire Weekend 

International Album

Arcade Fire - The Suburbs 

Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer 

Eminem - Recovery

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream 

Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown

Critics’ Choice 

Jessie J 

Centerfolds & Empty Screens

In case you are logging onto this blog and wondering where the film-related news, reviews, trailers and posters have disappeared to, then I should probably tell you that I've moved my film blog over to wordpress.

If you'd like to keep up with my thoughts on the newest films to hit UK cinemas, then head over to http://jamieneish.wordpress.com for the new and improved Centerfold & Empty Screens.

A New Year, A New Start

A lot happened in 2010. Not only did I start my second year at university in one of the best cities in the world, but I begun to contribute to the UK's top film blog, rsulting in the opportunity to display my passion for film and improve my writing skills.

However, despite these achievements, I've always felt I could do more and there were ways I could better myself. I've never given myself enough credit for the things I've achieved in my life, which is something I'd like to improve over the new year.

Okay, so I may not have a job, a lot of money to my name or be the world's best writer, but I have achieved some pretty impressive goals over my lifetime, more so in 2010 than any other year in my twenty one-year span.

My name is out in the world, on IMdB and HeyUGuys. In addition, my blog has received almost 300 views in less than two weeks. These are things to shout about; something that, until now, I've refrained from doing.

The problem I face is mostly to do with self-esteem. I have never been the most confident of people, always been in the background, never have a hugely impressive social life or had much luck when it comes to employment.

I have a brother who is also involved in the journalism field, and I find myself comparing my abilities to those he has acquired over his four years at university.

I constantly need to remind myself that I haven't had the same level of experience as him, so my writing won't yet be up to a higher standard. This is something I should work hard to change, not something that stops me in my tracks and makes me rethink my position.

I am a good writer. There's no way I'd have been picked up by HeyUGuys if this wasn't the case. 2011 will be about the year of admiration of my success, and the year I focus on my own accomplishments, instead of comparing myself to those my age achieving much, much more.

If you're interested in reading more of my work, find me at http://jamieneish.wordpress.com or http://www.heyuguys.co.uk/author/jamie/

Thank you for reading.