Mental Health

It was World Mental Health Day the other week, which I marked with a quick note that referenced my own dealings with anxiety and depression, while also urging those who read and felt the same to speak up, in whatever way they felt comfortable with.

Since then, I’ve been pondering my experiences more and, taking into consideration that I’m quickly approaching the mean old age of 30, it hit me quite hard how difficulty I’m finding things at the moment, which is surprising considering how much more settled I feel in life these days. 

I’m working for a company that I like, doing a job that challenges me and makes me feel motivated. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’m currently living with, even though I keep telling him - and myself - that I’m still looking for my own place when both of us know that I’m really, really not.

But there’s still feelings deep down that I can’t shake. And occasionally those feelings rise to the surface like they have been over the past few weeks, particularly an increasing dislike to the way I look (my body especially), how lazy I’ve become and how I’m still bothered by loneliness, even though I don’t actually mind my own company. 

The last one has been around for a while now. I’ve never been all that good at making friends, I know that for a fact. Even when I was young and forced to live with another 50-odd people, I felt like the odd one out, uncomfortable, awkward and not all that comfortable. It never bothered me much back then, at least now at the time.

But now as I’m getting older, I’m realising how difficult it is to make friends in later years, and how much more aware I am that I don’t have many people to meet up with for a drink, or even to text to ask how they’re doing (or who text me for that matter). Social media is all well and good, but a vast majority of people I follow I’ve never met, and I doubt to some degree I ever will. 

I’m quite bad when it comes to avoiding situations I feel could be awkward, like I’ll skirt around a group of people huddled together chatting because I don’t deal well with large group situations and I’d prefer not to even bother. And I put people off quite often in favour of being in my own company, which only fuels my feeling of loneliness, wishing I’d made different - perhaps even better - decisions.

So I can be better - a lot better. It’s just hard for me to push myself out of that comfort zone, though the new job has helped to up my confidence and force me to interact with new people, and in the process develop a nice little group of friends who I feel comfortable to stop and chat with or stay for a drink after work on a Friday afternoon and who seem to like my company.

The other issues in regards to my weight and body are personal ones that derive from bad eating and laziness. I need to stop eating bad foods. I need to start going to the gym, swimming and find exercises that I enjoy to do and don’t feel so much like a chore, something to put off week after week because “it’s not fun”.

I was trying on clothes recently as my wardrobe is in desperate need of an overhaul and I got sad when I realised that I’m not as skinny as I used to be and I can’t take as many liberties with my body as I could for many years. I need to look after myself more, make more of an effort and really focus on where I want to be in one week, one month and one year’s time.

It’s perhaps most worrying to me that I’ve let my writing slip to one side. I’ve spent so many years trying to become a freelance film writer that I think I became disillusioned by the fact I hadn’t reached the place I wanted to. I’m probably too harsh on myself. I have achieved amazing things since I started out writing about film. But I can’t help but want more.

I think, though, that I needed the time out. I needed to take my working life more seriously. The film writing wasn’t where I wanted it to be, so instead I threw myself into my job at Trainline, I moved out of my parents house and started to live more independently. It’s maybe made me a better writer, maybe I’ll see. I still want to do it, I just don’t know the best direction to take yet. 

So, yes, I’m not entirely happy with myself at the moment. But that’s okay. I know where I need to improve and I’m going to make every effort to make that happen. I hope this helps to motivate me. And if it helps anyone else along the way as well, then that’s amazing. I’ll maybe come back to you all in a few months time and let you know how I’m getting on.