An Honest Truth

When I compare my current self to that of three, maybe four years ago, I’m shocked at how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. Not only has my personality and attitude towards certain aspects of my life improved for the better, but I’ve also achieved more than I could ever have anticipated.

I’m employed, attend university, find myself in a trustworthy relationship and am surrounded by a family who truly care about me and want the best for my future. That’s not it, though, as I’m also lucky enough to be able to put my love of film to the test, by running and contributing to a number of online blogs dedicated to discussing and analysing the latest film releases.

To say I’m content with what I’ve achieved and the stable position I find myself in today would be an understatement. But, while I try to be very careful as to not take anything for granted, I can’t help but find myself unhappy with one or two aspects of my life.

I’ve never been a popular person, never had a vast and constant social life, it’s just not in my personality to attract people. I struggle in almost every social situations imaginable, only able to show my true self around a number of people with whom I’ve been friends with for several years and who know what to expect from me.

I’d love to be one of those people who doesn’t feel embarrassed or silly when they speak to new people, and doesn’t have to come up with ridiculous and uncomfortable conversations in order to feel as though they fit in. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say I’d like more without really trying, but I do try, and that’s why I feel as though I deserve an easier ride when it comes to making and maintaining a decent social life.

I have to say, Twitter has done wonders for me. For someone who finds it difficult to be themselves in real life and often reads into situations more than is necessary, social networking sites have enabled me to be myself and really make waves in other ways.

Not only have I used my knowledge of the online world to position myself well in the blogging world (at least I like to think I’m positioned well), but I’ve also been able to meet people, form friendships, publicise my work to other film hungry individuals, and push myself to contact PR companies, cinemas and film studios about press screenings, DVD screeners and set visits. To my benefit, this has resulted in me conducting a number of interviews and attending the odd film festival and premiere. 

Sometimes you hear people say that spending too much time online is bad for you and you should try and spend more time in the real world, but for people like me, who maybe struggle to be themselves in a world full of boisterous and accomplished people, the online world can be very helpful and beneficial in helping them reach their goals.

In saying that, I do think it’s important to lead a life away from what you’re connected to online. As much as I love interacting with other people on Twitter and writing posts for my blog, if I didn’t have my work or the limited, yet wonderful friends I do have, I wouldn’t be nearly as happy as I am. In order to write, about anything in this case, you need to have experienced life, so you’re not just limiting yourself to what you can achieve by being sat in front of a computer screen for most of the day - something I’ve learned.

It’s not only the social side of things that wears me down, it’s also the fact that, at times, I can feel quite out of my depth. I may be a cinephile who’s been obsessed with the medium ever since I was a little kid and have studied film intermittently for the past six years or more, but when surrounded by other film enthusiasts on Twitter, I feel somewhat inadequate.

The feeling isn’t necessarily because I feel my opinion is invalid or my writing is insufficient in comparison to others’, because I’ve spent two year’s slowly believing in myself more and more to reach, aside from the odd bad day, the content stage I’m at now. It’s, however, more to do with the fact that I often feel overpowered by others, like I’m not able to put my opinion across with the necessary coercion or substantiality to prove my knowledge to other people.

I would much rather build my stature up slowly and carefully than put myself out there in a big way and not know how to follow that up. The approach I’ve taken over the past two years suits my personality down to the ground and, even though I’m sometimes tempted, I’m managed to resist rising above my reach.

I’m not going to sit here and lie, I often find things very hard indeed. But, when I think about how far I’ve come, what I’ve achieved and how much support I have from other people, it makes the struggle worth it. I know that things aren’t going to be difficult forever, and sometimes I can go for days without feeling disheartened. I just need to remain focused, in as good a company as possible and working hard to achieve my goal of being involved in film, whether it be through writing or production in a professional capacity, I’ll be fine.