It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal blog post - one that doesn’t centre on the next cinema release or what happened over the weekend at the US box office. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to - I have, more than anything. But I often find it very difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible words and sentences.
It’s been a busy time in my life. Not only have I developed into a reasonably talented film writer, set up my own moderately successful website and been lucky enough to attend film festivals, premieres and interview talented filmmakers, actors and writers, but I’ve also found employment (though not exactly what I thought I’d be doing with my life). Swell, huh?
Well, yes, it is. I am, more or less, very happy with how things have come together and the trajectory to which my life seems to be heading. It’s not all fun and games, though. Writing is an incredibly lonely and difficult task - one that requires a lot of time and attention, which usually means I don’t do a lot else. This, in turn, has had a knock on effect on my social life, amongst other things.
Now, I’ve never been the most sociable of people. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with social situations and to not completely throw myself into a friendship without a thought of what I might be coming across like. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve built up some quite nice friendships over the past few years, and have met some lovely people over the time I’ve been on Twitter, but I can’t help but want more. I’d love a solid support system, people who I could call on whenever I should need to. That said, it’s never something I’ve had as a person, so it’s not something I can say I crave, only something I wish could somehow fall into place.
The other problem that’s proving limiting is my living arrangements. I live in Dundee, Scotland, which is a nice city, but sadly doesn’t have that much going for it. Now, I’m sure if I had more of a social life, then I might feel differently, but as I throw myself more and more into my writing, all I want is for more opportunities to prove myself and to challenge myself, both as a writer and as a person. It’s money, though, that’s holding me back. As I have to travel through to Edinburgh almost each day, and my wage isn’t wallet-busting, I simply can’t afford to pack up and move to another city on a permanent basis. The comforts of home, with the food, the Sky television and quaintness, are too familiar to escape just yet.
To me, whether it is or not, London seems like the hub for my interests. Almost everyday I receive emails from PR companies, etc. inviting me to press screenings, swanky soiree’s that unfortunately I cannot attend. It’s a little bit soul-destroying, if I’m honest. While other people my age are open to all these opportunities simply because they live in the right city, I’m stuck six hundred miles away. I’m not the jealous type, usually, and Scotland does have some positives (the occasional press screening, two decent film festivals, one of which I’m covering at the moment, and some lovely independent cinemas), but London is a dream come true - one I hope to achieve in the next few years.
I’m not trying to make out like I’d have more success if I moved to London - I’d probably be in the same position as I am. The main difference, though, is I’d have access to these opportunities, and more of a chance to network, meet people and climb further and further up the career ladder. It’s all ifs and buts, though, and there’s every chance that over the next year or so I’ll change my mind and want to try something new. But, certainly for the time being, film is my passion, and I’d like to do everything I can to reach my, sometimes over-the-top and unachievable, goals.
I don’t want anyone reading that to think I’m ungrateful for what I’ve achieved so far - I am. I’ve been a writer for almost two years now, and to think of all the things I’ve achieved in that time is overwhelming. When I started I was very narrow-minded and quite selfish. As I’ve done more and more, and met many fantastic people who are also trying to achieve something within the film industry, my viewpoint has altered, and I’m now able to step back more, look at my successes and be proud, which is something I’ve never really been able to do. I’ve always wanted more.
My successes aren’t all down to me, though. There’s been several pivotal people who’ve helped me and, to this day, continue to support me. I’d like to say thank you to every single one of you, especially my family, my friends, those at HeyUGuys, Cine-Vue and DCA and the people I can call friends. From here, though, it’s all down to me. I need to be the one to save money, I need to be the one who makes the next move, and I need to be the one who starts to make the most of life more in order to build up more of a social life.
I’ve been very lucky so far, and I’d love for this to continue. But the only way for that to happen is for me to keep pushing myself and not spend so much time fretting over the mistakes I may have made in the past. The past is in the past, all I can do is learn from my mistakes, my rejections and my own self-confidence issues to better my future.
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